The Mannikin with the Kaleidoscope Mind

eyesofaquarius @ 2009-08-11T14:47:00

2009-08-11T18:47:40Z

I have decided to delete this journal and start over from scratch. Plain and simply, this journal is no longer true to who I am. I have changed so much, and want a journal that really shows that. My new Livejournal ID is Leananaquarius if anyone wants to friend me there and join me. I can't promise daily updates, or anything Shakespearian, but that's fine by me.

Also, if anyone wants to email me, just shoot a letter to leananaquarius(at)gmail(dot)com

Meh.. C'est la vie..

2008-06-17T20:02:33Z

Okay, well, as of today I am now out of a job. Again.

Last entry I wrote about waiting for the drug test results for the Wal-mart job. Well, everything came out clean and I was hired on. Began orientation the following day, and that went fairly well, if a little long. Essentially it was being paid to come in, file out a small mountain of paperwork, watch a boatload of videos, and then do still more programs on the computer on subjects such as "Food Prep", "Workplace safety", etc. and so forth.

Well, got through those, came into my first day as Bakery Packager, and the second I arrived, I got that classic twinge of gut-twisting paranoia that can only be translated as "Get the hell out of here right now!". I not only had to learn my own position, but also (excluding Cake Decorator) every other position in the place. By the second day, I was having to close the Bakery by myself, which on it's own involved at least one hours worth of work, usually 90 minutes. I worked a 9 hour shift and each day, by the time I clocked in to begin the work day, I was already an hour or two behind AT THE LEAST on the entire days work. I knew the job would be difficult, as it involved a lot of memorization and numbers, neither of which I particularly excel at, but this was just ridiculous from minute one. I assumed if I toughed it out, it would get better. I worked my ass off, moved as fast as I could, did the best I could, and it wasn't enough. I was already WAY too far behind to ever catch up, and the more I worked, the more I realized that all the videos and training programs had taught me NOTHING I needed to know. When my manager tells me "You've been here two weeks, we need you to have known how to do everything by now," I just.. I was done. Done. Done. Done.

A part of me regrets quitting, because now my coworkers (who were all just amazing people), will be left to do what I had been doing. But at the same time, that was an issue that had been in place long before I ever arrived, and my presence there would have changed nothing for better or worse. I am just at a place in my life where I am determined not to throw myself head-first into situations that cause me to wake up in the morning feeling like the day is already a lost cause anymore. Life is too short for me to be my own worst enemy.

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD. NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: Transitioning
2. Your Lover: Silly
3. Your Hair: Thinning
4. Your Mother: Supportive
5. Your Father: Nonexistant
6. Your Favorite Item: Computer
7. Your Dream Last Night: Tea
8. Your Favorite Drink: Tea
9. Your Dream Home: Elaborate
10. The Room You Are In: Decent
11. Your Pet: Tiamat
12. Who You Are Now: ??
13. Who You Want To Be In Ten Years: Successful
15. What You Don't Wanna Be: Same
16. Your Best Friend: Silly
17. One of Your Wish List Items: Car
18. Your Gender: Both
19. The Last Thing You Did: Type
20. What You Are Wearing: Skin
21. Your Favorite Weather: Moonlit
22. Your Favorite Book: TooManyToCount (okay, so I cheated :P )
23. The Last Thing You Ate: Mac-n-Cheese
24. Your Life: Transitioning
25. Your Mood: Okay
26. Your Favorite Store: Sahara
27. Your Favorite Sport: PeopleWatching
28. Favorite Memory: Aurora
29. Who Do You Miss Right Now: Everyone

eyesofaquarius @ 2008-05-31T19:56:00

2008-06-01T00:04:38Z

The last couple weeks have been major tests in patience. It's been utterly nerve-wracking to say the least, but it's also been fun in it's own respects.

I'll keep it short for those who don't want to read it all. If you, do well, take a peek ^_^

Some highlights of the last two weeks:

*Signed up for aid from the CHAP Program (I believe that is the name of it, it's an assisted medical clinic on Miller Drive) in order to finally get some medical treatment. It will be another 2-3 weeks before I find out if I've been approved, which is nerve-wracking in it's own right, but I'm doing my best to have faith that it will come through. Regardless, it's a vital first step towards getting help with both my depression and my severely imbalanced hormones, and just doing that much showed me I have the courage to finally find treatment or a cure. I'm too busy fighting myself to live my life or fulfill my responsibilities, like...

*Getting a job. Speaking of which, had a great Interview with Wal-mart on Thursday. Hiring is immediate pending the receival of a clean drug test, which I'm 98% sure I'm clean for by now, but that other 2% is adding to my nerves something fierce. At this job, being high is a bad thing, whereas as Wendy's it was almost a job requirement, much like hair ties and work shirts. Had to go do the screen that same day, which takes 2-4 Business days to get back, so waiting the weekend will be more then a hair nerve-wracking. My anxiety is up majorly high, not because it's Wal-mart but just because I need the money if I'm going to return to College in the fall. Not to mention Gencon in the summer and.. well. Life, period.

*Been feeling a mixture of hope and depression about Living in the Mystery. Hope for the game itself, and depression on a purely personal scale because I've been so tired, unfocused, etc. I don't contribute nearly as much as I should. I feel like I'm leaving everything on the other ST's shoulders and it blows. I promised to ST and while I do great in face-to-face meetings I suck at most everywhere else because I'm too unfocu-oh look a butterfly.. *ahem* Where was I? Anyways,. I just need to suck it up, stop being such a dragass, and get to work.. ooh, dragass, there's an idea.. *writes that down for a future project*

*Went with Chad, Heather Goodman and Brenton to a small game up in Indy ran by a sweetie of a guy named Scott. After some brainstorming in the car and character sheet twinkery by Brenton (*has his digital ninja shadow babies in gratitude, as I am much the suck with stat sheets*) I entered the game as "Sadera", a Celerity-happy, caffeine addicted, l33t-sp33king, hardcore gamer girl/computer hacker Brujah. This is especially fun since she is A) HIGH Humanity and B) In a game filled with mostly Elders. I was having a rough time of things mood-wise that day but it ended fairly well.

*Made a goal to lose weight. As of this entry, I am 210 pounds. Initially set a final goal of 100 pounds, but am going to stop for a bit at 140-150 and see if that is where I want to be. Going to start exercising more (which is my main issue, I'm sedentary as all hell) and my diet, while not crap, could stand for a bit of improvement.

*WARNING: BITCHERY commencing in five.. four.. three.. two...one.

Comcast are being douchebags again and I'm sick of it >.< When there IS internet service at the house it tends to be slow, and they want 260-270 bucks by TODAY or both net and cable are "suspended", meaning everything but 911 is gone. Oh, yes, 911, how courteous of them. In addition, if the full bill is not repaid by 6/06, we have to completely resubscribe and pay installation charges and the whole nine metres. I'm grateful for the lesson in patience, but my inner Mars-in-Aries wants to embrace my inner warrior, go down there with a small horde of bloodthirsty Vikings berserkers and just go pillaging. Maybe we'll hit Krogers while we're at it, I'm hungry... Meh. So it goes.

*Also got some sort of raging befungo stomach monstrosity that made me so ill I couldn't even handle water. Came down sometime Tuesday or Wednesday, am just getting my energy and appetite back today. It was horridly painful and still hurts a little, but I'm glad to be better.

Oh, and one last thing about Vampires.. Monster's Game: Taking the phrase "Bite Me" to another level I know this went around da Interwebs back in the day, but I found it again and decided to revive it ^_^ Just a free fun little game.

Well, that's all she wrote folks. I hope your lives are going as blessedly interesting as possible. If you want to keep in touch, I'll be updating my contact info soon as I can, so check that out.

eyes the cobwebs... gets out the feather duster

2008-05-15T17:47:37Z

*eyes last entry* oookaaaaaay, better late then never when it comes to new writing.

These days life goes on.. Pretty well, actually. I'm fairly pleased. I'm getting to a better place mentally and spiritually then I've ever been in my life. Not to say that I'm not still a hair on the depressive side, but I'm universes away from where I've been in recent years (as is evidenced by my livejournal over the last while. *sigh* -_-) I think I've actually grown up and finally become an adult :P And you know what? It's not as hopeless and alien an experience as I thought it would be. It's more a feeling of "Oh.. This is it, huh?.. Cool! I can work with this!" Revelation, I suppose. These last few years, but especially the 2007-2008 period, have been great for that it seems.

Things have gotten easier since it finally occurred to me that I am allowed to be happy. I tried to find happiness before, but it's not something you really find. It's something you.. for lack of better term, it's something you REMEMBER. Something at the core of yourself that you have to contact and revitalize. It used to be a struggle to hold onto happiness before, but that was because I didn't give truly give myself or anyone the benefit of the doubt. And the best part? No more feeling the need to apologize for every. little. thing. Still nervous but eh, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Hmm.. Happy things in Life... OOOH!!!! Yes! Living in the Muse is going BEAUTIFULLY these days. It's still experiencing the growing pains every new game goes through, but the player base is gradually growing and the level of enthusiasm and communication is high all around. Everyone gets to contribute to the plot mix, and it's only going to get better and better as time goes on. Even I have a couple plots in the mix. It's great. ^_^ I'm glad to be able to help out with storytelling. It's a nice change of pace, plus it's helped give me a new drive for RP in other games as well. I'm having a blast in OWBN in particular. Still trying to find Galatea's niche, but lately she's been bonding with a couple folks here and there, so that's kind of cool. And meanwhile, she only gets bigger and bigger.. *attempts evil laugh, but sneezes instead*... I am so not evil :P but anyways....

I got up the courage to leave Wendy's behind. Quit them the first day of April (didn't realize I'd done so until after the fact, but eh.) and while it sucks to be broke, the fact that the paycheck is the only thing I miss tells me it was the right move to make. I need a place in my life that's going to help me build myself up, not tear away at me at a time when I need it the least.

The relationship between Mom and I has never been better. We've talked a lot in depth about things that have happened, and new information came out to me that puts things into major perspective on both our ends. I won't go into major specifics here out of courtesy for her, but.. yeah, let's just say that when she was growing up, she definitely wasn't living the American Dream. There was a lot of bitterness and mistrust between us when I came back to Bloomington, but now we're.. well, we're truly friends again. She'll always be my mom and I'll always be her daughter, but now we're friends again. While we were living apart, we both realizing we had been blaming each other for a lot of the unhappiness in each of our lives. She's re-established her bond with God again ("I'm a believer." she said. "You call call it whatever you want, God, Buddha, Allah. Me, I just say I believe.") and me?.. well, I've got no idea what I've found yet, but I like it.

But enough about me. How are all of you out in Internet land? It's been a while since I've heard from most folks. What's going on with all of you these days? ^_^

"Shine on forever, Shine on benevolent sun.."

2008-01-04T05:18:49Z

Again.. Has been a while. I'll do all I can to catch up.

About two weeks after my last entry, I was asked in a very unfriendly way to leave by Missy, who, it turns out, had severe mental issues greater then I had realized. Michael and I went to go live with Ryan Burnett, Will Crowley, Will Stalcup, and some others. (The unnamed others were the part of the household line-up changed around a bit here and there). I tried my best to find a job, but unfortunately was not able to get started at one in time to help the household stay catch up and thus stay together. Chad asked me to move in with him, as he was rather sick at the time and needed the help, wanted , plus this was my only remaining option unless I wanted to move to another state. I moved up to Lafayette around the beginning of April. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

In Lafayette, Chad and I tried our best to figure out the dynamics of living together, but soon realized we needed, in many regards, more space. Things were very rough over the summer, as money was always tight, I was a stressed-out bitchy nervous wreck (Quit cigarettes cold turkey for the last time, had a stressful telemarketing job at a crappy call center, had a major apartment move, and was lonely/homesick) and probably not the best to live with, but after Gencon I quit Teleservices and decided I was not going to tear myself up anymore over things I couldn't control. It's been the hardest commitment I've ever tried to make, and one I still struggle with (always have, I'll be honest, there's no way I could deny it), but I'm trying.

In late October, Chad and I realized we were in a Slumlord situation in our second apartment. I won't go into all the details, but I will name the three major issues: Mold, Roaches, and Faulty.. well.. most everything in the end. If it could defect, and it was in the apartment before we moved in, it pretty much did. Over the late spring and summer Mom and I (though more her in the beginning, I'll admit.) worked together to resolve a lot of the major issues in both our individual and co-operative lives that had led to the trouble between us. When the fall came and Mom (who, I will add for facts sake, was in real estate for 20+ years) heard about the issues Chad and I were having, she was pissed off to say the least and offered to help us move down into the apartment and got us out of the lease altogether. Chad and I packed up our entire lives for the second time in three months (and my fourth time that year), and we moved down to Bloomington.

The fall began with mixed reaction: Aimee and Ben (my best friend and her new husband, so cute ^.^ ) welcomed Chad and I with open arms. And I got to spend time with her for the first time since her wedding in June. (Random Silly Note: She took me to Rocky Horror on Halloween, which was my first time going in more years then I can count.. She was dressed up like a creepy Raggedy Ann-looking goth girl, and I dressed up as Pope Futanari the First [pope outfit, make-up to look tired and old, and a well-placed "prosthetic" >.> *cough* It was as wrong as wrong could be. The Time Warp was never more fun.]) And when it comes down to it, Bloomington has such a free, open sense of energy about it that Lafayette lacked entirely. But the one thing Lafayette DID have was a more open job market. It took Chad and I from late October until early December to get stable jobs. He is currently working at Bloom, and I am working crew at the Wendy's location near the mall.

I feel this year, more then any others before, will be a year of tests and self-revelation. I've been to the bottom of the totem pole. Now I want to see what things are like at the top. I have seen what staying locked can cost me. Now I want to break my chains. And above all, I have found the ambition to do it. I have seen what happens when I take things for granted, when I sell myself short.. Never again.

I do not know what I am worth, but dammit, I intend to find out. Not just to others, but for myself. One of the lessons of the last year was to stop fighting my own nature so much, and instead to focus on understanding and coming to compromise. I was striving for it, but it took the events of 2007 to push the issues home. Do I know how everything will turn out? Hell no! Do I have to? Hell no!

Bourbon is good. Whiskey is good. Rum is good. They are not good together. Also, incidentally, I have little to no career future in the areas of relationship counseling or motivational speaking. *cue the "The More You Know" effect* *facedesk*

I am going to be an ST in Margaret Lion's LARP. SQUEE!! WOOT!! I finally have an outlet for all the legions of PCs and NPCs I wrote during the run of the Muses game. BEWARE MY BRAIN BABIES!!! MUWAHAAHAH!!!!

I've said it before, I'll DO it for good: No more self-punishment. It is going to be extremely hard as my inner critic is a raging bitch, but it has to happen. It will be hard. it will hurt. Hell, it HAS hurt. But it will be worth it.

This will be a year of unadulterated revolution. For better or worse. Praise be.

Axis of Evil was pretty fun.. Little loud though. Eh, still fun.

Dear Unnamed Wendys Manager: Stop loudly pointing out my trivial mistakes in front of customers during Lunch Rush, or for that matter, anytime. Especially when it wasn't really my mistake after all and you admit to as much. But if it was, let me own it and fix it. Degrading me in front of customers makes me look like a fool, makes you look like a bitch, and makes the store look even worse then it currently does. Either have my back or leave me alone except when I need your keys. Signed, The Cashier Stuck With Your Bitter, Abrasive Personality For Hours.

I've got a love-a-lee bunch of coconuts, diddle di dee dee.

No more being afraid. No more feelings of insecurity and inferiority. We're all in this existence bit together. I will not be what I must be or what I think I must be, or try to be one way and horrifically screw it up. I will be me. Yes I am wierd. Yes I am moody. Yes I am confused and strange, scattered and maybe not the physical specimen of perfection. But I am worthy and I love myself not DESPITE, but BECAUSE of all the things that compose me. What I see as good, bad, and mixed.

My resolutions are simple: Keep going, get going, discover the answers I have felt welling under the surface all my life and ESPECIALLY since late January 2007. Give myself permission to be Happy. Give myself permission to feel as I feel, but also to keep my head above the water.

I need to make sense of the Dragon, really.. It's time I faced it.

I want to become the kind of person I have always been baffled by in the positive regard.

What are you leading me to? Was he right, was your visit to me a Leading? And if so.. What am I being led to?..

God I've missed just being able to write like this. I will let myself do it more often.

eyesofaquarius @ 2007-02-04T02:45:00

2007-02-04T08:45:52Z

*looks around*

*straps on a Hazmat suit*

*clears out the cobwebs*

It's been a while, admittedly. Been a VERY long while..

Time passed me by. Blinked and months... just... gone...

Blink and the old year was gone, and I woke up from the fog just in time to see the next one emerge. And while I was looking back over my own shoulders, sinking back into that worn-to-hell routine, Life came up to kick me in the ass.

On January 22nd, I became homeless. I had been living with my mother, believing her when she said we were a family, a pair, a team. She showed me in one evening just how fleeting anything in Life truly is. Friends, Family, nothing can be counted on to last forever. Eventually, everyone has to find their own way in the world.

A part of me hates her for turning her back on me so suddenly and easily, and is resentful of her for her overwhelming hypocrisy. All my life, she has taught me that Family sticks by each other no matter what, and yet in one day she all but disowns me over an imagined offense. on the other hand, another part of me is infinitely relieved to finally be away from her; I had not realized just how much stress our relationship was causing for both of us until we were finally apart. I am also grateful for the good times we've had here and there, and especially off in the past. Maybe one day we can have that loving relationship again, perhaps for real. But in the meanwhile, she and I need to learn what it means to live our own lives.

Anyways, enough of all that. Time to regale the eager (yeah, right) masses with my adventures thus far:

I spent a few days living over at the hotels next to Legends (sleazy redneck/amateur-strip bar for non-B-towners) with myself, Michael (a friend who helped me pack when I was thrown out), Kevin/Gabriel (student/friend of mine), and two other guys Kevin/Gabe knew. One room, one bed, a tv and a bathroom. Paper-thin walls, roaches, the whole stereotype, but at least the cable TV worked. It was actually quite a bit of fun, all things considered. We were never want for conversation, and rarely want for entertainment.

A day or so after I was thrown out, the guys and I made a plan to start a community house. A tiny part of me is hoping that will come true, but I have my doubts now; once the week was up and we couldn't get together 140 bucks for a second week at the hotel, we had to divide off. Kevin/Gabe went off with Shane and Mike (the two other prospective housemates), and Michael and I wound up moving in with my boss Missy and her two teenagers. I had been working for Missy (also the mother of Kevin/Gabe) for about a month helping take care of her daughter Meghan (who has minor learning disabilities, along with MAJOR lying/manipulation/narcissism issues) and her son Keith (Fragile X syndrome, mid-range Autism, and MAJOR control issues; the old phrase "my way or the highway" comes to mind..), so she has came to trust me a bit.

Things have been mostly at a stand-still along those lines since. I will keep working my ass off until I find a second job (and Missy gets in an adequate situation to finally pay me everything she owes me for my current job), and get up the money to get myself set up and properly on my way. This last couple weeks has shown me that all my life, I have never truly had anything (well, except for Warcraft, and even that has exceptions..) that I could really call my own. I am ready, COMPLETELY ready, to start making my life begin.

But that still doesn't change the fact that I am still fucking terrified...

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-05-02T11:17:00

2006-05-02T15:19:44Z

And just so he doesn't think i forgot:

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY MOONZIE!!!!

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-04-27T21:05:00

2006-04-28T01:08:43Z

Just a brief update:

School is nearly out for summer, so I can start to have more of a social life.

During the next week or two, as things wrap up, I'll start re-engaging again.

For this week and maybe the next, bear with me if I am not around or responsive. Please don't give up on me.

Thank you.

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-04-11T12:16:00

2006-04-11T16:20:43Z

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Seeks the determination and elasticity of will nec..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. It's been a rough few weeks in many respects, which is 85% my own fault and 100% deserved, but a good few weeks in others. I'll do what I can to get myself presentable for Conchordia thursday, but not if I am going to be a downer again. It's touch-and-go, same as it has been for years, but the return of (semi)stable weather should help.

Edit: Also, if you haven't done the Meme on the entry ebfore this one, please do so.

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-03-28T10:57:00

2006-03-28T15:58:47Z

Ask me a question about each of the following:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Drugs
5. Love
6. LiveJournal
7. Other (open ended)

...no matter how rude, sexual, or confidential... just ask it! Then post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked!

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-03-14T14:02:00

2006-03-14T19:14:03Z

So.... things are going well.

School is hectic. I am worried for that, but what is the point?... I am looking forward to it now, rather then dreading it. I still have apprehension, but I will get over it.

Relationships are going well. I am glad for that.

Gaming is going GREAT:
*Had my second game as Caduceus, who goofed up in a big way and accepted Ecstacy from a Follower of Set. Strangers have the best candy.
*Clarissa is gone, possibly for good. It was a very quiet scene, and granted a lot of closure. I am thankful for that...
*At this upcoming game, I will be (once again) playing Galatea. But she is going to undergo a few MAJOR changes first. DEFINITELY not as much of the fluffy-baby girl routine I was acting out before. And that is all it was for Galatea; an ACT. I would definitely like to play out more of the performer with her this time around. I am exploding with ideas, but is getting a stable backhistory written that is proving to be The Suck. Everything up to the night she met her sire is a blank; beyond that, easy peasy. Oh well.

Life is going to be taking a strange turn. I have until the first week of May to get a job and find a new place to live. How I feel about it is irrelevent; it just needs to happen.

Still backing off socially a bit. It is just more courteous to others right now to leave them be.

That is about it for now. Call me if you want tot alk, or find me online.

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-02-22T09:38:00

2006-02-22T14:44:18Z

It's been popping up like dandelions in the front yard. And from what I have seen of it, a lot of folks have been, to varying degrees, helped out by it.

Johari and Nohari windows. Will you all help me out with mine? It can be done anonymously, and even if you do put down a recognizeable name, I won't care. Really.

So..... Help me?

http://kevan.org/johari?name=eyesofaquarius

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=eyesofaquarius

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-02-20T12:34:00

2006-02-20T17:46:03Z

Friday: Spent the day in Lafayette. Hung out and had a stress-free day, and spent time with Chad. We ordered pizza and I watched an extremely bizarre, surreal, gorey, beautiful Japanese film (with English subtitles and a bit of english throughout) entitled "Ichi the killer". It was mostly about a sadomasochistic gangster seeking an assassin named Ichi, because he thought that Ichi was the ultimate Sadist. The gangsters expression and quotes of both Sadism and Masochism were (At least I think so) well-put. But from beginning to end, the movie just got stranger and stranger. Definitely not for the weak of stomach.

Saturday: Chad and I hung out in Lafayette, then drove down to Bloomington. After a brief stop by the house, we went out to the party. It was definitely cathartic in many senses (Finding out at least a few people that I thought disliked me actually don't), but it also brought about far more questions then answers. And I made an ass of myself, not much but a little.

Sunday: Changeling. I am once again left in awe of everyone involved in this game. But on a personal basis, in regards to Chngeling, I feel more screwed then I ever have before. With this game, and many since the beginning of the new season, there was a very distinct feeling of having lost and failed before the game ever started. Nonetheless, I'm glad I went.

the Romantic

Test finished!

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
myself.

Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
level

my ability to establish warm connections with people

admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

being unique and being seen as unique by others

having aesthetic sensibilities

being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

feeling guilty when I disappoint people

feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

expecting too much from myself and life

fearing being abandoned

obsessing over resentments

longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
original game
s

are very sensitive

feel that they don't fit in

believe they are missing something that other people have

attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
divorce)

Fours as Parents

help their children become who they really are

support their children's creativity and originality

are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose BY

Would you rather have chosen:

AY (EIGHT)

CY (SIX)

BX (NINE)

BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 25% on ABC
You scored higher than 56% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-02-14T11:58:00

2006-02-14T17:27:39Z

Friday: Was my birthday. Yes, birthdays go woot. I got a new printer, which isn't such a big deal right now (I became so used to not having one of my own that it has yet to sink in.. It's something more for Mom then me), but it's the thought that counts.

I wound up not going to the Interlude due to SEVERE pain from a growing wisdom tooth. Chewing, opening my mouth, EVERYTHING HURT. But I did stay home and do some RPing on World of Warcraft, which is nothing special, but it made the evening feel like a teeny bit less of a waste.

Saturday: Chad and I went around town, and he bought me some things for my birthday.
1) A 60-day pass card for World of Warcraft (hooray!!!!)
2) A new bra (which I DESPERATELY needed. hooray again!!!!)
3) A cable for my new printer (because one did not come included. grrrr,)
4) Hair spraypaint and make-up for.....

The Indianapolis OWBN game. I got to premiere my new PC, a confused, extremely nervous young Nosferatu named Caduceus, who had been led to believe (by a well-meaning/WAY overprotective/undoubtedly bent Sire) that the Camarilla had fallen to the Sabbat a bit over a century prior. Since she had absolutely No Camarilla status whatsoever, she was placed into the care (accounting) of the clan primogen. The pain in my wisdom tooth was a bit of a distraction, plus I was playing a character who had essentially walked into The Twilight Zone, so I didn't get much done in the way of RP.

And speaking of surreal moments, according the words of the ever-cool moloch871, I "looked like a sno-cone." I still can't tell if that was a Compliment, a Burn, or both. But it was an excellent WTF?! moment to end the evening by.

Sunday and Monday: Sunday, Chad and I slept in late, and he hooked up my printer and new speakers. We watched TV and just hung out together, then he stayed the night and left early Monday morning. I stayed home from class due to pain, and puttered around the house doing chores and computer stuff.

And now... I am here.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I leave you with a musical. Needless to say this isn't work-safe.

http://www.goodiebag.tv/video/gbtm.htm

Edit: hmm.. URL Cut-and-pasting is in order.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=eyesofaquarius

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-02-08T10:54:00

2006-02-08T17:31:48Z

Nothing much in particular to update.. I'll most likely just ramble a bit, so if you're interested..

School is going alright. I decided to drop my Intermediate Algebra class for mostly personal reasons. Plain and simple, I am just not in the mood to deal with it this time. Maybe next time, but not now. My other classes are going well; according to my financial aid advisor, even with the failing grade from my first go-around with Intro to Interpersonal Communications, I still have a 3.0 GPA, nothing bragable but not too shabby either.

Writing is going well. I have been doing a lot of cutscene-style RP writings for Sanguilyn, my main Horde-side character on Cenarion Circle ( Here is the latest thread ) and have been really enjoying her. I will work to finish up my writing for my upcoming OWBN Nosferatu PC, as well as a few pieces I have going for Creative Writing class.

RP has been mixed. WoW has been consistently good and engaging. Sunday's "Parliament" game went well, although I'll admit to a bit of depression in playing Cassiel there; It mostly stems from a worry that all I will ever be recognized for is roleplaying martyrs, walking tragedies, and the fly on the wall. But it would not have made sense for her to be absent. I know this and I accept it. And yet.. I still feel down about it, in ways I can't quite pinpoint.

For the 4th time in nearly 4 years, I am back to the drawing board with Clarissa Archer. I need to find an established OWBN chronicle that will accept her, even as an NPC, until B-town can get approved. Then I will need to get her through approval before I can even have her at all. I hate this process so much; I am a good, fair player, and if there is not a solidly good RP reason to use something, I don't do it. Period.
I am a role-player, not a roll-player. Yet in my heart and head, I have a strong feeling that (like the last 3 chronicles to reject her) they will take one look/have one listen to the name "Daughter of Cacophony" and laugh in my face. This character has been a dream of mine to play, and the thought of giving her up hurts, therefore I have to give it the best fight possible, even if it means being a total, uncompromising bitch about this. Yet even if I fail once again, I won't let it stop me: If nothing else, i will see to it that she is given a proper ending.

Even if it doesn't work out, I still have a back-up plan; bring Clarissa's XP into my future Nosferatu PC. If she fails to get approved, she is NPC, therefore the XP I have spent on her (somewhere between 10-20) can be passed on to the Nosferatu.

Life itself has been rough. I won't go into details (lawsuit pending), but mother was wrongfully terminated from her job by the owner of the company, who accused her of crimes with absolutely no evidence to back up these accusations. Mom has been devastated, but we are trying to move on. We got Broadband and Cable television hooked up (replacing dial-up and satellite tv, both of which were The Suck), she got me a printer (more for herself then me, but I still feigned gratitude), and she has gotten on Unemployment for the time being. She acted as if things were fine between us up until this morning, when she proceeded to verbally chew me out for a number of trivial bullshit things, and informed me that I needed to get a job immediately. I am extremely angry for her playing this headgame with me AGAIN, yet I know if I try to back off and make some breathing room, even for a moment, it will escalate.

If you want to get along with me in life, tell me that's it's good when it is, and if it is even the SLIGHTEST bit wrong, let me know how and why so I can at least try to fix it. I don't care if you are my friend, lover, enemy, the homeless person begging for my change, be forward with me so I don't get close to you and have it mean nothing. Don't fuck with my head, plain and simple. And if you do, don't be shocked if I suddenly go from Zero to White-Hot and back in seconds. I am Aquarius with an Aries heart.

In regards to the heart, there has been a sense of what I can only describe as minor catharsis. I cared deeply for someone (I will respect his privacy and not name names) who would not feel the same for me. I thought it was through some fault of mine, as I had viewed the others before him. Yet as I looked back, I saw a pattern starting with my ex-fiance and moving out from there. I became attached to individuals who I thought I needed, but who did not need me. In turn, I had little if any impact on them while the opposite was true for me. I realized the reason for this was because I had attempted to mold myself to what I thought they needed, as opposed to being myself. Hence they never truly knew me at all, but instead knew what/who they were truly wanting while using me as a way not to be alone while they sought what they were looking for. This worked out well for them, because most times I was a substitute until "The Real Thing" (or something better) came around. I became dispensible by attempting to be indispensible.

This cycle has fucked me in other ways as well; I cannot accept people who want me for me, because I am incapable of giving myself in entirity to someone. Fragments, roles from moment to moment, but never the entirity of me. I cannot be with folks (In sexual, romantic, or even platonic regard) who want all of me. I can love many folks in many ways, but never one in all ways.

But anyways.. The most recent friend I cared for was a source of heartache, which was my own fault for letting my heart have a say in the matter even for a millisecond. But I see him happy with his new mate, and rather then hurting anymore, I just want to leave. Leave as quietly and carefully as if I had never been there at all. But there is a sense of peaceful, sad-yet-gratifying resignation to this desire; I was there for him how he needed me, when he needed me, and now (whether or not he knows it) he doesn't need me anymore. He has someone to take my place and (on top of that) someone who cooks, cleans, and most likely never has a down moment (or keeps them to herself when she does). Let them be, and hopefully she will learn from him what he learned from you.

In two days, I will be 21. I am apprehensive to say the least, but I am trying to look up. I want to change, take further steps towards perfection, but yet... I also feel stuck. I don't want to grow up, to age, to do it all on my own as I will have to one day. I don't want to have to struggle for what I have, to have dreams that never come true, to be trapped in dire circumstances with nowhere to go but down. Yet I also don't want to be like my father, living in a state of retarded progress, fearing my life away. It is for that fact alone that I move on and work towards making something overall worthwhile of myself.

My relationship with Chad is going alright, as far as I know. We have a good balance of distance and closeness going, not too much of either direction. My relationship with Jonathan has been getting better;
I was the first person he called while rehabilitating after surgery, and lately our conversations have been rather insightful; with the catharsis I have been feeling comes an awakened sense of realization. I now understand some of the things he has been trying to tell/teach me, so I think things may either get easier or worse, depending on how he feels about things.

Lately, I have just been in awe of the people in my life. When I found out Sara had her Wales trip money stolen, I wanted nothing more then to console her while simultaneously laying a "Jay and Silent Bob"-style bootstomping (anyone who has ever seen "Jay and Silent Bob strike back" will know what I mean. If you haven't seen it, watch it.) on the dumb bitch and/or bastard capable of this. I had genuinely not expected her to hold Conchordia that week, because I know if someone had stolen something out of my room, I wouldn't be so eager to let nearly a dozen people into my home. Yet she opened her doors to all of us, and demonstrated a graciousness and hospitality that moved me down to the core. There was a profound sense of gratitude echoing in me for the rest of the night, and still does even now. I feel so incredibly grateful for even having met her, even for a moment.

Off I go towards another attempt at life. Enjoy your stay in Me-land, stick around as long as you like.

I love you.

eyesofaquarius @ 2006-01-29T16:34:00

2006-01-29T21:34:12Z

Get your own spectral analysis from Area 23^®

Taken from D_C_M

2005-12-14T11:30:05Z

The 7 Songs Thing

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your seven songs, if you want to. Otherwise, don't. Unlike chain letters, this meme does not threaten you with bad luck, misfortune, impotence or explosive flatulence if you don't do it.

(these were just the first 7 to appear in my collection, but I like them all and spin them frequently these days)
1. Angel- Massive Attack
2. Dunya- Niyaz
3. Golbar- Niyaz
4. Rite of Shiva- Machines of Loving Grace
5. God wrapped in Plastic- Combichrist
6. Hicksville- Celtic Cross
7. Dragula (hot rod herman remix)- Rob Zombie

Right.... So it's Finals week. And it can't be over fast enough. More on the situation when it's over, because while foresight is blind, hindsight is always crystal clear.

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-12-07T12:39:00

2005-12-07T17:41:01Z

Oh Great Cthulhu!

I have been an extremely industrious devotee this year.

In May, I called down the wrath of Yog-Sothoth upon ellegua (65 points). In December, I made a burnt offering to the Dead Dreamer (100 points). In February, I prepared an ocean voyage to R'lyeh (200 points). When the stars were right, I fed yakkorat to a Shoggoth (250 points). In September, I sacrificed lillornyn to Cthulhu (500 points). In October, I exposed tooth_and_claw to soul-rending horrors (250 points).

In short, I have been very good (1365 points) and deserve to be eaten first.

Your humble and obedient servant,
eyesofaquarius

Submit your own plea to Cthulhu!

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-11-21T11:12:00

2005-11-21T16:17:03Z

An actual entry will come later, when I have the words I want to put down. But in the meanwhile, I have a question for

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An actual entry will come later, when I have the words I want to put down. But in the meanwhile, I have a question for <lj-user= "d_c_m">

When will the rest of the entries for <a href="http://www.margaretsworld.com/changeling/changeling-characters.htm">this page</a> be updated? I was looking at this and now I'm curious to see the other entries.

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-11-11T19:15:00

2005-11-12T00:15:09Z

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, even if we talk every day, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-11-09T11:23:00

2005-11-09T16:24:15Z

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:

You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:

You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:

You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:

You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:

"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-11-08T09:24:00

2005-11-08T14:33:27Z

Your Birthdate: February 10

Independent and dominant, you tend to be the alpha dog in most situations.
You're very confident, and hardly anything ever shakes you.
Mundane tasks tend to drain you - you prefer to be making great plans.
You are quite original. When people don't "get" you, it bothers you a lot.

Your strength: Your ability to gain respect

Your weakness: Caring too much what others think

Your power color: Orange-red

Your power symbol: Letter X

Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Sentence #1: Only if I feel I can do a better job then the person Alpha-ing in a particular situation or set thereof.
Sentence #2: (Rolls on the floor laughing, then finally collects self and wipes away the tears of laughter)
Sentence #3: It hurts because it's true.
Sentence #4: .....................

Strength: Me? Respect??

Weakness: I thought if was my bottomless pit of a stomach, my "fickle" nature, or my overwhleming desire to spin around at high speeds and cause wide-ranging destruction to cities, towns, farms, and the odd trailer park to which I am inevitably drawn.... oh wait. That's a tornado. Then in that case, yeah, the above fits.

Power color: Orange-red.... (looks at hair) Yeah, sounds right.

Power symbol: http://www.realultimatepower.net

WoW Info

2005-11-07T18:49:11Z

Cenarion Circle: Sanguilyn (Undead Warlock)
Exandra (troll shaman)

Suramar: Damiana (Night Elf druid)
Shikhee (gnome mage)

Now you know. Chat me up and I'll join you if you can. I want to get together with other WoW gamers that i actually know. It's fun to meet new folks, but getting to game with familiar folks would be cool to. MAJOR bonus points if I can RP with you.

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-11-07T13:14:00

2005-11-07T18:46:09Z

Yeah.. So the interlude definitely earns my Seal O' Approval. I didn't expect it to be as intensive plot-wise as it turned out to be, but it wound up working out nicely. Combat lasted just long enough to start being boring but not grrangerfrustration-inspiringly long.

Plus it wound up making for damn good personal plot..... Which wound up coming to bite her in the ass during a visit to Hogsmeade when, after attempting in vain to drink away the stress of the last three weeks (her headmaster is in jail, she thinks everyone hates her, and she falsely blames herself for the near-death of the Ravenclaw Prefect) she threatened what she believed to be "a malevolent being" disguised as her cat Methuselah with an unforgiveable spell. Turns out it was LeStrange in disguise. Ooopsie daisies.

But luckily, the resulting scene gave me chance to voice some things that had been going on, and helped some things make sense. It reminded Lycia that even though she is a powerful and talented witch, she is also just a 16-year-old girl, and cannot reasonably expect to save everything and everyone singlehandedly. This moment of zen amused me a bit, as it is one that nearly all my characters have faced or are on the verge of facing, and i never intended for any of them to go this direction. Sounds pretty sad actually.....

I'm such a loser :P

Eh, oh well. In other news: Modelling job today!! YAY Money!!!

eyesofaquarius @ 2005-11-03T20:29:00

2005-11-04T01:30:58Z

(Courtesy of http://www.overheardinnewyork.com)

Girl: Oh my god, you skullfucked a snowman? That definitely was porn!
Guy: It wasn't porn, it was art. I was covered in blue glitter.
Girl: Sweetie, that just makes it gay porn.